Did you say...OREGON?!

I keep on hearing people say stuff about my homestate, and I am getting more and more homesick. I miss the people, you know the people that wear hiking shoes everyday, carry backpacks instead of diaper bags, and have several The North Face fleeces that they wear on rotation.

I also miss the proximity to my family. I want to be able to see them on the weekends, watch movies with them, cook for them (ok, I've never cooked for them, but I've helped them cook before, and I miss that!). I miss my dad singing in the kitchen, and dancing (usually doing the twist, to ANY song he hears). I miss you guys soooo much.

I miss my friends! These are the friends that I've known for years! Some since middle school, and they just get me, I don't need to introduce myself, or censor myself, they know my sense of humor.

I miss the trendy eco friendly peeps, that recycle..Oh, how I miss the statewide understanding that EVERYONE recycles!

And the BEACH!
Florida kind of wins this battle, because the beaches there are freakin' GREAT!

How can you argue with that?

But most of all, I just miss Oregon!
  

and this amazing game.

It's baby makin' time

This past year and a half has been some of the best and worst times of my life. I decided to take myself off of hormonal birth control January 2010, and do a little something called Fertility Awareness Method, read Taking Charge of Your Fertility for all the gory details.

I discovered quite quickly that there is something wrong with my womanly hormones. My cycles were inconsistent at best, long and torturous at worst.

In August of 2010 Doug and I began not trying to stop a pregnancy from happening (or to be more straight forward we were actively not preventing conception to occur, ok, OK we were trying for a baby). But things just weren't happening. I talked to my doctor who agreed to get some blood work tested for the common
things PCOS (Polysystic Ovarian Syndrome), etc. The findings showed that certain hormones (Prolactin) were elevated, which would be great it was a pregnant, but I wasn't and I certainly did not have PCOS. So WTF body, what is wrong with you?! We re-tested my Prolactin levels and my doctor noted that if the Prolactin levels were high one more time, that could be an indication of Hyperprolactinemia, but she wouldn't be able to diagnose me with it because I would need an MRI to see if I had a tumor causing this spike in hormones. The tests came back ever so elevated over "normal". I freaked out, and ordered an MRI stat, by this time it was December, still nothing baking in my oven, and now this.

Doug got an MRI earlier that year for some knee issues, and the lovely MRI techs all let him see his pretty pictures after the procedure. I on the other hand was not so lucky. I laid in a warm magnetic tube that  was loud, it sounded like techno music (without a catchy hook), blaring at me for 50 minutes.

Three days later they told me I had a pituitary tumor. I had a mini meltdown, oh and by mini I mean major. In doing research I saw that Hyperprolactinemia/Tumors go hand in hand, and depression, and craziness, and all sorts of horrible things come along with it. I was having this breakdown because I didn't want to end up like my mother. She is crazy, to the max, a pathological liar, and taught me nothing, well that isn't completely true, she did teach me how to keep a family fed, pay bills and have patience for child like adults. But these things really shouldn't concern a 6-10 year old, ever. With this diagnosis, I saw myself turning into her. I thought, OH SH!#% I am turning into a crazy, hence the major meltdown.

Doug was amazing at this time. He assured me that crazy people, don't have the self reflection to even know they are crazy. And I was not/would never be anything like my own mother. My dad and brother reiterated this point strongly. I have such good guys in my life.

In future blood tests my doctor saw my Prolactin levels drop. My cycle was still irregular, so my doctor started me on Clomid. It's a miracle drug that makes my body do what its supposed to, and helps me catch the pregnancy. Too much Clomid makes me feel dizzy, and gives me hot flashes. Oye vay!

In late March I started feeling gross, coffee wasn't palatable, I had a weird appetite. My DAE (dopey, yet adorable employee) even came by to go get me coffee, and I turned him away....but I did make him go get me food. Something was off.

I was feeling a little (a lot) hopeless, in this whole baby making adventure. As I was watching Prince William marry Kate Middleton, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Then I went back to being all royally obsessed for the next 15 minutes. I casually went to the restroom, and glanced down at the two pinks lines and flipped out! I ran out to Doug in the living room, waving my pee stick in the air (like I just don't care) and crying. He said "Take another one!" so I did, this time it was a beautiful blue + sign. YAY! I was totally pregnant!

I called my doctor that morning, and said I took 2 tests and I'm sure I'm pregnant. I went to go get a blood test (which also turned out to be positive), and scheduled my first OB appointment. I was finally a pregnant lady! I got an ultrasound to make sure everything was up to snuff, but I was measuring a week behind, But I saw the little sac of cells, and got all gushy towards my womb. I kept thinking that my body would catch the little baby blob up to speed soon enough.

I journaled like a mad woman, I wanted to write down every sign/symptom/feeling etc. so I could tell my future child just how awesome the experience was.

Weeks later I went back for an ultrasound and check up, and I could see the heart flickering. The baby's heartbeat was a strong 120 beats per minute (in the normal range for babies)!

I had a single sharp pain on June 2nd. It felt like a shock. I decided to ignore it for a solid 24 hours, then I succumbed to internet message board pressure to just go get checked out. I scheduled a first-time-pregnant-and-paranoid ultrasound. The ultrasound tech pulled all her best moves, but we still couldn't see anything inside the gestational sac. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I started hysterically crying, like a 5 year old, I was hiccuping, inconsolable, and mostly just devastated. The ultrasound tech was a pro, she had done this before, and she was the most kind, most tender person in that room (besides my husband). However, the overall OB experience was that of horror stories, let me preface by saying my normal OB was out that day. They tried to rush me in for surgery at 5pm that day so they could remove the sac, and clear me all out. I wasn't having it, and I came back to talk to my real doctor about my options, and after running a few more tests just to be sure and getting one more ultrasound she prescribed me some medication to jump start the inevitable. The process was long, and horrible, and painful, but I miscarried mostly at home, and then I went in for a check up in late June and it was over.

No more baby. Completely gone.

One thing that I should mention is my friends and family really helped me get through this rough time in my life. Here are some things that you shouldn't say to a person that JUST miscarried,

"All things happen for a reason".
Although the above statement is true, it is not comforting.

"At least you know you can get pregnant".
This point will become comforting way later, but if I just miscarried, I don't need a reminder that I was just with child.

A few things that you should say,

"I'm so sorry for your loss". *hug*
"I love you and I'm here for you". *hug*

I'm still remaining hopeful that I will get pregnant again, and I will get through the entire pregnancy and have a wonderful bundle of joy to call my own. I hope to be an Alma Mater to my own flesh and blood eventually. Alma Mater means Nourishing Mother, my dear employees, diva Murry: Mary and MarBEASLA: Marlesa gave me that nickname,  I love you all. No one ever talks about miscarriages, I want to change that. The experience can feel isolating, and frustrating. I know a few people that have had miscarriages before me, and I have been eternally grateful for their candid openness to help me through my difficult time. If you guys have any questions, or have stories of your own to share, then do it! I am here for you.

The important questions of life.....

Why are we here?

What is my purpose?

and probably the most important question to ask is...

Who will go see Twilight with me in November?

I think I found a Twilight fan at work, WHOOOHOOO! All is not lost. I'm pumped. Groan all you want Stephanie Strahan (and the other 50% of my friends who hate all Twilight fans), but Twilight is coming to an end, and I need my vampire/werewolf/human love triangle fix. And before you start attacking me in posts, just know that I think the concept is ridiculous, and I understand that it wasn't well written. I can't read the word "chagrin" without cringing, but damnit, I love the story behind it, you know boy meets girl, boy wants to kill girl, boy and girl fall madly in love, etc, etc.

Doug has already stood his ground, he will not be seeing the films. Good for him, except when they come out on DVD I will tie him down and force his eyes open so he can take in all the diamond skin gloriousness that is Edward Cullen.


I can hardly wait....

I have a crush on a every boy...

That's a quote from Teen Girl Squad, and if you haven't heard of TGS, then you need to go here, and check them out.

I do get crushes easily, my lastest infatuation is with Zooey Deschanel. Just look at her, she looks SOOOO good (another quote from Teen Girl Squad, seriously, you will need to go watch TGS before reading this blog entry). She is quirky, and cute, and not a whore. Those are qualities really hard to come by in Hollywood. She is my #1 girl crush (ok, maybe #2, Selma Hayek is and always will be my #1).

My second, and I think my longest (since 1996) crush, is Jakob Dylan of The Wallflowers. He's really easy on the eyes. Doug thinks he looks like a crack head, but I find his features (read: sunken in cheeks and puffy eyes) endearing. I met him once when I was 16 or 17 after one of his shows in Portland, OR, I could feel his facial stubble on my cheek as we posed for our picture, I'm pretty sure that is what heaven is going to feel like. He's also the son of Bob Dylan, and if you knew High School Ana, then you know I LOVE ME SOME BOB DYLAN!



He's undeniably gorgeous





Again, how can you argue with this?

I have a major theme going here, I dig people with dark hair and blue eyes, the contrast is gorgeous! My mother has blue eyes, and my father-in-law has blue eyes, so I'm pretty much banking on the fact that Doug and I will have blue eyed, brown haired children one day, yay!

I'm not 100% sure how genetics work, but I'm pretty sure I have like a 90% chance of cute kids.

For those of you that don't know me, I'm really not that stupid.

Note: My second longest (since 1997) crush goes to Conan O'Brien, I guess I have a thing for lanky, pale, nerdy, self depreciating guys too, swoon.

It's FALL!

There is nothing better than waking up to a crisp cold morning, and a beautiful sunrise coming over the mountains, well that's not true, seeing a pretty girl fall, would probably make my week (I'm not really mean, it just humanizes them, they are normal people, who lose their balance and fall over sometimes).

Anyways, it feels like Tallahassee's winter here already! The leaves are changing and falling rapidly. People are even talking about snow already. I didn't know how much I missed Fall until now. I love it. And it's October, you know that that means..yup HALLOWEEN! I'm pumped about Halloween this year, because each unit at my work has a theme, and this year our theme is "the roaring 20's", how freakin awesome is that?!

Dressing up is always a blast, last year I was one of the Spice Girls (don't worry I wasn't alone on this one, we had a full group of 5 women dress up, I was scary spice)! But this year I have a big opportunity, I could go the classic route, flapper girl, cute wavy hair, bright red lips, or as a gangster girl, with a pin stripe suit, Fedora, and bright red lips with wavy hair (notice the trend), but that is sooo conventional, and I much rather be the funny girl than the cute girl, so with some thought I found myself searching for theme appropriate attire that would make me laugh. I'm going as a barrel of beer, since the prohibition was in the 20's. My history teachers should all applaud themselves.

And mind you I won't be a sexy barrel (is there such a thing?). Every time girls dress up they always tend to go as the sexy version, so lame. I will be sure to post some pictures of my endeavors. I think I will mark my barrel as booze, and carry around a large beer mug, just so people aren't confused. I am 100% sure that I will be the only one fully covered non sexified version of the roaring 20's, and I couldn't be happier!


this is going to be awesome

feeling aged anyone?

So, I have always been the youngest. I am the youngest child in my family, most of my friends are older. But everyone seems to think I'm middle aged, matronly, or just plain old! I have examples.

1. Driving my then boyfriend (now husband) to get his wisdom teeth pulled, the doctor wouldn't talk to Doug at all, she was talking directly to me, later someone said, your son is ready, and I was all REALLY? WTF MAN?! I am in college still, I have funky framed glasses with green and black on them, and an OSU sweatshirt on!

funky framed glasses not shown above

2. On our way home from our honeymoon we got bumped off our flight, because Delta thought that we never arrived...which was totally untrue since we were standing right in front of them. They blamed other people, so we ran around the airport at 3am trying to get a flight booked with the other people, and then it turned out that the only way to get home was through Delta I kind of lost my cool (I was sleep deprived and I had a nasty cold, which I had since day 2 of the honeymoon....hot, i know!), it was then that the Delta agent said to Doug, "Your mother needs to calm down", and then I think World War III broke out, or I sat and cried while Doug called his parents to get advice on how to get home.

Morning of day 2, by the end of this day I was a wreck, and pretty much stayed that way for 1.5 weeks.

3. Working as a receptionist at FSU, a college student came in, asked for something, left, and then called our office to tell the the office that the person who greets students (so, me) that the advice she got from the middle aged dark haired woman at the front might be wrong. Whoa, yeah, let me tell you something, I was so angry, but I couldn't really react to the two insults, one I middle aged, and two, I was wrong. So I sat in stunned silence. Oh and I double checked my work, I was right, what a B-word. And I was only 23 at the time!

4. And finally, I think it was last year, that my 19 year old dopey, yet adorable, employee informed me that anyone over 20 is over the hill. Don't worry, I slapped him for it (actually, I did slap him, it was right after I slapped my boss, and as a going away present for me he let me slap him).

I've been hired at a place that is, again 99% women, and the girls that were hired with me are younger. I have trouble relating to younger people.  What do you youngens like to do? I need help! Any suggestions?

What is with people?!

 I have heard so many stupid things in my lifetime. But sometimes it catches me off gaurd when I hear something so utterly moronic coming from an educated source. Like:

 

"Pregnant women should smoke to ease constipation."

 

Really? What the heck man?!

 

Let's just think about that for a moment............um no, they shouldn't smoke, no one should.

  

I'm so proud that I have never said anything quite THAT lame before. I'm also proud to be a non-kiss-ass. If I like my coworkers, lead workers, bosses, directors, it's because I actually like them, not because I want them to love me and promote me.

 

Don't get me wrong, I like to be liked. I feel like I've been pretty well liked throughout my life (with an expection or two thrown in there), and I want to keep that going. But I'm just saying I will not follow around people of authority/seniority just because I think I need to be a brown noser to get ahead.

 

I will not bake them homemade goods just because they sign my checks, I will not attend every party they throw just because I fear that if I don't they will hate me and make my life a living hell. I will not join them for their smoke breaks just so I can inhale toxins and be close to the person who controls my work life.

 

In other news, I am in love....with cream soda! lol. It reminds me of butterbeer, and there is nothing on this earth better than some Hogsmeade butterbeer from the Wizarding World or Harry Potter. I miss Orlando.

 

And I miss all/most of my amazing employees from FSU, you know who you are, no not you....how did you get a link to my blog?!

 

Which brings me to my last point. Where are all the girls? I don't want to date them, but I want to be friends with them. But to be fair I do usually get girl crushes (and just crushes on everyone i.e. last night I was watching these nerds on a national geographic show build and fly a house using balloons, like they did in the movie Up, and the math guy was SOOOOO adorable, I made Doug stop playing video games to show off my new crush). I need to get some cute girl friends (not girlfriends) quickly. I don't think Doug can handle all the girl talk vomit that is just pouring out of me.