It's baby makin' time

This past year and a half has been some of the best and worst times of my life. I decided to take myself off of hormonal birth control January 2010, and do a little something called Fertility Awareness Method, read Taking Charge of Your Fertility for all the gory details.

I discovered quite quickly that there is something wrong with my womanly hormones. My cycles were inconsistent at best, long and torturous at worst.

In August of 2010 Doug and I began not trying to stop a pregnancy from happening (or to be more straight forward we were actively not preventing conception to occur, ok, OK we were trying for a baby). But things just weren't happening. I talked to my doctor who agreed to get some blood work tested for the common
things PCOS (Polysystic Ovarian Syndrome), etc. The findings showed that certain hormones (Prolactin) were elevated, which would be great it was a pregnant, but I wasn't and I certainly did not have PCOS. So WTF body, what is wrong with you?! We re-tested my Prolactin levels and my doctor noted that if the Prolactin levels were high one more time, that could be an indication of Hyperprolactinemia, but she wouldn't be able to diagnose me with it because I would need an MRI to see if I had a tumor causing this spike in hormones. The tests came back ever so elevated over "normal". I freaked out, and ordered an MRI stat, by this time it was December, still nothing baking in my oven, and now this.

Doug got an MRI earlier that year for some knee issues, and the lovely MRI techs all let him see his pretty pictures after the procedure. I on the other hand was not so lucky. I laid in a warm magnetic tube that  was loud, it sounded like techno music (without a catchy hook), blaring at me for 50 minutes.

Three days later they told me I had a pituitary tumor. I had a mini meltdown, oh and by mini I mean major. In doing research I saw that Hyperprolactinemia/Tumors go hand in hand, and depression, and craziness, and all sorts of horrible things come along with it. I was having this breakdown because I didn't want to end up like my mother. She is crazy, to the max, a pathological liar, and taught me nothing, well that isn't completely true, she did teach me how to keep a family fed, pay bills and have patience for child like adults. But these things really shouldn't concern a 6-10 year old, ever. With this diagnosis, I saw myself turning into her. I thought, OH SH!#% I am turning into a crazy, hence the major meltdown.

Doug was amazing at this time. He assured me that crazy people, don't have the self reflection to even know they are crazy. And I was not/would never be anything like my own mother. My dad and brother reiterated this point strongly. I have such good guys in my life.

In future blood tests my doctor saw my Prolactin levels drop. My cycle was still irregular, so my doctor started me on Clomid. It's a miracle drug that makes my body do what its supposed to, and helps me catch the pregnancy. Too much Clomid makes me feel dizzy, and gives me hot flashes. Oye vay!

In late March I started feeling gross, coffee wasn't palatable, I had a weird appetite. My DAE (dopey, yet adorable employee) even came by to go get me coffee, and I turned him away....but I did make him go get me food. Something was off.

I was feeling a little (a lot) hopeless, in this whole baby making adventure. As I was watching Prince William marry Kate Middleton, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Then I went back to being all royally obsessed for the next 15 minutes. I casually went to the restroom, and glanced down at the two pinks lines and flipped out! I ran out to Doug in the living room, waving my pee stick in the air (like I just don't care) and crying. He said "Take another one!" so I did, this time it was a beautiful blue + sign. YAY! I was totally pregnant!

I called my doctor that morning, and said I took 2 tests and I'm sure I'm pregnant. I went to go get a blood test (which also turned out to be positive), and scheduled my first OB appointment. I was finally a pregnant lady! I got an ultrasound to make sure everything was up to snuff, but I was measuring a week behind, But I saw the little sac of cells, and got all gushy towards my womb. I kept thinking that my body would catch the little baby blob up to speed soon enough.

I journaled like a mad woman, I wanted to write down every sign/symptom/feeling etc. so I could tell my future child just how awesome the experience was.

Weeks later I went back for an ultrasound and check up, and I could see the heart flickering. The baby's heartbeat was a strong 120 beats per minute (in the normal range for babies)!

I had a single sharp pain on June 2nd. It felt like a shock. I decided to ignore it for a solid 24 hours, then I succumbed to internet message board pressure to just go get checked out. I scheduled a first-time-pregnant-and-paranoid ultrasound. The ultrasound tech pulled all her best moves, but we still couldn't see anything inside the gestational sac. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I started hysterically crying, like a 5 year old, I was hiccuping, inconsolable, and mostly just devastated. The ultrasound tech was a pro, she had done this before, and she was the most kind, most tender person in that room (besides my husband). However, the overall OB experience was that of horror stories, let me preface by saying my normal OB was out that day. They tried to rush me in for surgery at 5pm that day so they could remove the sac, and clear me all out. I wasn't having it, and I came back to talk to my real doctor about my options, and after running a few more tests just to be sure and getting one more ultrasound she prescribed me some medication to jump start the inevitable. The process was long, and horrible, and painful, but I miscarried mostly at home, and then I went in for a check up in late June and it was over.

No more baby. Completely gone.

One thing that I should mention is my friends and family really helped me get through this rough time in my life. Here are some things that you shouldn't say to a person that JUST miscarried,

"All things happen for a reason".
Although the above statement is true, it is not comforting.

"At least you know you can get pregnant".
This point will become comforting way later, but if I just miscarried, I don't need a reminder that I was just with child.

A few things that you should say,

"I'm so sorry for your loss". *hug*
"I love you and I'm here for you". *hug*

I'm still remaining hopeful that I will get pregnant again, and I will get through the entire pregnancy and have a wonderful bundle of joy to call my own. I hope to be an Alma Mater to my own flesh and blood eventually. Alma Mater means Nourishing Mother, my dear employees, diva Murry: Mary and MarBEASLA: Marlesa gave me that nickname,  I love you all. No one ever talks about miscarriages, I want to change that. The experience can feel isolating, and frustrating. I know a few people that have had miscarriages before me, and I have been eternally grateful for their candid openness to help me through my difficult time. If you guys have any questions, or have stories of your own to share, then do it! I am here for you.